So, another sleepless night in Vancouver.
This has been my life story for as long as I can remember..
I just came in from sitting on the deck listening to the rain and staring at a purple sky...
I really want to pray.. I keep trying to talk to God but it's almost like I can't remember how
I have been so caught up in this "career".



 I'm learning so much but it's hard..!
My best girl has left for Africa and will be away volunteering for three months.. so we can't talk a bazillion times a day like we used to.. my Uncle has gone back to the UK after living with my mother and I for over a month and the house is back to what it was before he came.. quiet..


I miss him. He and I met for the first time in years a few months back while I was in the UK for a show put on by some amazing men (Press Play Productions) .. those guys came into my life as angels and took me in as a little sister.. I realize now its been weeks and I haven't spoken to either of them.. much less seen them..


I have kind of hidden out since I returned in July.


This summer took me back to my childhood ways. hibernation..



I have a feeling this post will be all over the place..
which to be honest is where my mind is.


I'm in a rut I think.
I want to do SO much and just can't seem to figure out what the best next move is for me in making the most of my dreams.. my life.



it's like im constantly doubting myself..
I was so confident in what I was doing when I was fighting for some one to recognize me.
Now I have some pretty exciting opportunities and I'm sitting here like..
wow
Amanda are you ready?


Is this even what you really want?


I know that writing songs is my therapy and recording is my escape.. cool.. so make music..But I do this to relate with people..to unite.. to love with people.. to hurt with people.. to rejoyce.. to just feel.
 if I I have what it takes to make music that people will enjoy.. find recovery or understanding in..
.. I need to really get things moving right about now..



I just want to feel like I'm doing something worth while..
I am so more than willing to dedicate my LIFE to giving .. helping.. healing.. loving..
and I always believed I would do that through music.


But this game is twisted.. and the closer I get to what I thought I wanted to farther I get from certainty.


I don't want to be a puppet.. owned.. and never secure.



I'm TERRIFIED..


I feel like God/the universe has sent me angels though,


to show me things about myself. and help me truly recover from my past.


It's down right rude and disrespectful to my friends, supporters and fans who have held me up through this journey to all of a sudden completely disregard everything we have fought for..



 I used to cry.. BEG to god to help me get even halfas far as where I am now.


Yet here I am telling myself I'm not good enough..


this goes against everything I preach.. DCT DCT... dreams come true... you can make your dreams come true.. believe in yourself. find what you love.. what you are good at and do it!



did I let blogs and "dislikes" get the best of me?



Am I kidding myself?


Amazing producers from all over the world are asking to collaborate..
 I'm getting paid to make music ..
 and I should be proud of what I have already done.. but it never feels like enough..


I feel like if I really get to live my dream I need to be doing so much more. . I feel like at 22 I need to know what the hell I'm going to do next!! how I'm going to survive.


I have a possible management agreement in the air which may mean I spend some time in New York..or I may stay here and go to school and put all this music on hold.. ..or what the hell.. maybe  ill join an agency and sing covers at hotels.. I just don't know.



I remember when some of my most talented friends came to that point where they said they were done with music..
 I couldn't begin to understand.. I was like.. you're crazy.. you're amazing.. you are SO talented.. and you love this.. you will never leave it..


And I was right.. I look at the boys I was working with when I was 15 recording in closets with clothing for insulation and no matter how many times they said they were through.. they always came back.. better than ever. I am so proud of them.. they blow my mind they are SO talented..


ugh..
I just .. I don't know..


and that's the problem.. I just want to KNOW what I should do.. where do I go from here?
working freelance is way too unstable and living cheque to cheque (check) is far too real and drains my mom and I daily.



so.. God.. give me a sign.. where do I go?


I feel like I'm stripping in front of you right now..

I try to maintain that I am more than okay when I leave these doors..
I front like it's all running SO smoothly.. but this my friend.. is a BUMPY ride.


I hear my uncle in my head saying.. "time is longer than twine" ... in other words.. be patient.. which ironically I had to tattoo on my wrist along with two other words to remind myself of some essential characteristics for a dreams survival.


-passion. -patience. and you must --persist"


I'll be in studio all week and I know by the end of that I will be a little closer to sanity.. I have a meeting as well that may help lighten things up a bit..


but for tonight.. I think I'll post this.. and crawl into bed and give prayer another go.


Love you,

Amanda